


I Sometimes Wish I’d Never Been Born At All

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [16]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Journey</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Sometimes Wish I’d Never Been Born At All

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810), [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836), [Kiss Me Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640850), [We All Have Sorrow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640862), [I’m Not Myself Lately](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640884), [I Ain’t the Worst You’ve Ever Seen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640900), [I Know That I’ve Got Issues](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640908), [You’ll Never See What You’ve Done to Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641365), [Everyone Must Stand Alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641370), [I Should Be Happy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641377), [Every Now and Then I Fall Apart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641387), [I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641391), [I Dreamed That God Would Be Forgiving](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641394), [I Don’t Want To Be Friends](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641401) and [I’m a Loser Baby](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641414)

She’s not sure what is more distressing – the fact that she can’t seem to breathe or the fact that she feels as though she is about to throw up at any second. Until the door bell rang the scariest moment of her life had been when she informed Rachel that Mercedes and her parents where going to be away for the night and ever so subtly suggested that they might use this opportunity for some alone time. Rachel’s response had been enthusiastic and had helped to ease Quinn’s nerves but now her anxiety has returned full force. It seems that the trauma of asking Rachel over was nothing compared with the terror induced by her arrival.

Her muscles seem to have frozen and she remains on the couch wondering how long it will take Rachel to go away if she just ignores the hammering and pretends to be dead. She had expected Rachel to escalate her assault on the door but instead things go silent and Quinn feels her cell vibrate in her pocket.

Even though she knows who the text will be from she feels a jolt of happiness when she sees Rachel’s name on her display. She steadies herself for a tirade and opens the message. Maybe she’s reading too much into a bunch of letters on a screen but to her surprise Rachel’s tone seems understanding and playful. Quinn is instructed to open the door and reassured that Rachel won’t bite unless Quinn asks her to.

She manages to gain control of her body and forces it to open the door. In her mind she was going to be confident and fabulous when she greeted Rachel but in reality she fumbles with the lock and when she does open the door her eyes are directed firmly towards the ground.

Quinn half expects Rachel to run away but apparently Rachel is going nowhere and a sweaty hand reaches out to lace itself through Quinn’s fingers. Rachel’s touch seems to embolden Quinn and she looks up to find Rachel shuffling her feet and twitching like a frightened woodland creature. Their eyes lock and all of Quinn’s fear seems to melt away. “I was planning on being so much smoother than this.”

Rachel beams, “I guess we are both feeling a little bit of pressure. This is the twenty-sixth outfit I tried on.”

Quinn scrutinizes Rachel’s blue jeans and simple cardigan and smiles. “I was meant to be charming. I was so gonna make you swoon.”

Rachel leans in and Quinn’s pulse quickens, “You already make me swoon.”

She feels her jaw go slack and Rachel takes the opportunity to push past her using their joined hands to drag Quinn deeper into the house. The brunette has set off with purpose but suddenly comes to a halt. “I don’t actually know where I’m going,” she confesses.

“Then I guess I’ll lead.” She turns her grip and places her other hand behind her back and when both of her hands are linked with Rachel’s she tugs her along to her bedroom.

An hour ago the room had been littered with candles that she had purchased especially for this occasion. Obviously her ‘mummy brain’ had been impairing her judgement because it had not occurred to her that a trip to Sheets ‘N’ Things might mean a run in with Mrs Schuester. Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover that experience. They did their best to pretend that they didn’t know one another and to gloss over the giant bowling ball attached to Quinn’s body. In the end that unpleasant situation was unnecessary because less then ten minutes after setting up her candles she blew them out and hid them away. They reeked of overproduction and Quinn really wants this to be one part of Rachel’s life that is not governed by pantomime. They did make the room smell nice though so the endeavour wasn’t a complete loss.

“This isn’t how I pictured your bedroom.”

A small explosion goes off in Quinn’s head at the thought of Rachel thinking about where she sleeps, “I haven’t really bothered to decorate. Things have been pretty transient for me lately. It seemed pointless to set myself up if this is just going to be temporary like everything else.”

“Not everything in your life is temporary.”

Rachel’s naive statement almost feels ominous, evidently Rachel has not yet learnt to avoid tempting fate, but Quinn is determined not to ruin the moment, “I hope not.”

“I can’t believe how nervous I feel,” Rachel states as she goes to sit on the edge of the bed.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Quinn joins Rachel and places a cautious hand on Rachel’s knee.

“I want to do lots and lots of things,” Rachel admits. 

“Well that’s a good start.”

“I’ve not done this before and I want it to be good for you.”

“Despite my mark of shame I am hardly an expert.”

“I got the sense that the conception wasn’t necessarily the greatest moment for you. I want this to be better.”

“Rachel you don’t have anything to prove.”

“I do like to be good at things.”

“Oh so this is about outdoing Puck?”

“It might be but that doesn’t mean that there is nothing in it for you,” the look that Rachel shoots her is lascivious and Quinn feels a sudden burst of heat between her legs.

“I hope there’s something in it for both of us,” she states earnestly.

Rachel crawls up the bed with an agility that has been lost to Quinn and nestles herself against the headboard. “Come here,” she demands.

Quinn complies but doesn’t traverse the bed anywhere near as gracefully as Rachel did. She settles into the crook of Rachel’s arm and reaches out to play with strands of long brown hair, “I can’t believe you’re really here.”

“I should be the one saying that.”

“Babe only one of us is damaged goods.”

“People have considered me damaged goods my whole life at least you needed to get pregnant before anyone thought that of you.”

“People shouldn’t think that about you.”

“I know but they do.”

“I know. I used to think that about you.”

“I know that too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, just be here with me now.”

“I am.” She cranes her head up to capture Rachel’s lips. Their mouths meld and their tongues parry. Rachel slides down beside Quinn and Quinn relaxes into her arms. They have definitely made progress in their kissing compatibility. Quinn easily manoeuvres around Rachel’s nose and their teeth are never in danger of clacking. Quinn draws Rachel’s lower lip into her mouth and nibbles on the tender flesh. To Quinn Rachel tastes of strawberries and promise.

She reluctantly releases Rachel’s lips in order to map Rachel’s jaw line with kisses. Quinn snakes her tongue into Rachel’s ear and Rachel gasps in return. She suddenly becomes aware that Rachel has not been complacent. Most of the buttons on Quinn’s shirt are undone and Quinn watches as questing fingers make their way to her breast. She arches her back and pushes herself into Rachel’s hand. It seems Rachel’s fingers are much like Rachel, a bizarre mix of confidence and tentativeness. Quinn sighs in satisfaction and as her body goes limp she feels Rachel’s leg push between her own.

Rachel props herself up onto her elbow and pushes Quinn’s hair out of her eyes, “I so want to keep you.”

“I so want to stay.”

“That’s good.”

“It is kinda convenient,” Quinn giggles and Rachel joins her. In a move that contrasts the sudden levity Rachel rocks her thigh against Quinn’s core. Quinn’s hips buck in response and she moans, “Rachel.” It’s not the most eloquent statement that Quinn has made in her life but she likes to think it speaks volumes.

“My Quinn,” Rachel offers in return.

“Yes I am,” Quinn replies with frightening clarity.

“Sweetie?”

“Ah-huh,” Quinn is somewhat distracted by her mission to remove Rachel’s cardigan.

“Is there anything I shouldn’t do? Or a position that’s safer for you? I don’t want to hurt you.”

She knows that Rachel is trying to be sensible and thoughtful but her words have the effect of a cold shower. Quinn becomes all too aware of the fact that she is a pregnant whale. Not only is she pregnant, she is carrying somebody else’s bastard and it seems to so wrong to be with Rachel in her current condition. The universe is clearly mocking her. The first time she had sex it was with someone she didn’t care about and because she needed confirmation that she wasn’t fat. Now she’s with someone she loves, someone who makes her feel sexy regardless of her size and she’s not going to be able to have sex with them because she still carries the scars from that first misguided encounter. 

Quinn places her hands on Rachel’s chest and pushes her away. “We have to stop.”

“What? Why?” Rachel seems dazed.

“In not ready.”

To her credit Rachel doesn’t point out Quinn’s pregnant belly, “Is there anything I could do differently.”

“No. It’s not you. It’s me.”

Quinn feels Rachel’s body tighten, “I thought I was doing ok.”

“Baby you were. You were doing better than ok. We just need to wait.”

“Until when Quinn?” Rachel’s voice is like an acetylene torch cutting Quinn to the bone.

“Until I’m not pregnant.”

“Ok then,” Rachel reluctantly agrees. “I should go. I’ll let myself out.” Rachel’s exit is hasty but Quinn can’t fail to register the look of hurt in Rachel’s eyes. She never wants to have to see Rachel look like that and she can’t believe she did that to her. She covers herself up and stares at the wall, cursing everyone and everything that led her to this place.

She had expected things with Rachel to be strained. It turns out that strained would be a welcome step up from the state of their current relationship. Rachel barely acknowledges her and even when they learn that Couch Sylvester has set in motion a plan to bring about the end of New Directions Rachel does not come to her for comfort. The irony is that it seems that the disaster with Puck is going to turn out to be the more successful of her sexual experiences.

Her life becomes a whirlwind of confusion. She goes from the high of performing with New Directions for what might be the last time to the confusion of the arrival of her mother. She wants to hate her mother. Her mother failed her badly. She abandoned Quinn and sided with a man who cheated on her with some sort of circus freak. Quinn desperately wants to tell her mother to shove it but it seems slightly hypocritical to judge her mother for giving up her daughter when Quinn is about to give up her own. More importantly, it really helped to have her mother there during the labour. Whatever their troubled waters are there is no doubting the fact that when those pains ripped through her she really wanted her mommy.

It was strange to have Puck there but she did enjoy getting to tell him how much he sucked. He sucks so much and she is happy to take every opportunity to tell him but public forums are so much better. The labour ward isn’t exactly a public forum but it certainly far from private. Today the number of people who have seen parts of her body that she always told herself she was saving for her husband has increased exponentially.

She knows that Rachel would never leave a competition just because Quinn’s water broke at an inconvenient time. Even if they were actually together, and this child was Rachel’s rather than Puck’s, Rachel would have stayed for the verdict. In a way she feels a huge sense of loss that Rachel wasn’t there for her but she takes some relief in the fact that Rachel didn’t see her in that decidedly unglamorous position.

Quinn learns about their defeat via text. It was the perfect end to a crap day. Glee Club is over and there is no hope of bringing it back. The people who have become important to her will disappear back to their appropriate social strata and the bonds between them that had seemed so strong will quickly dissolve. She places her hand over her expanded but empty stomach and feels so very alone.

In her brief time in hospital she has become accustomed to the fact that no one has any respect for her need to sleep. People are constantly interrupting her dreams to prod, poke and check her as though she is a carcass with no need for modesty. She stirs and becomes aware of someone by her bed. Quinn does her best to block the intruder out of her mind but this individual is unbelievably persistent and to Quinn’s horror appears to be climbing into the bed. 

Quinn’s eyes fly open to be faced with Rachel Berry. “I really wouldn’t be doing that. The bed is full of gross things that I’d rather not think about.”

“I’ll survive,” Rachel replies as she positions herself next to Quinn. “Besides it doesn’t really matter if I mess up this dress, it’s not like I’ll ever need to use this costume again.”

“How did you even get in? It’s past visiting hours.”

“I needed to see you and I can be really persuasive when I try.”

“I’m sure you can.” Quinn imagines that Rachel talked incessantly and that someone let her through so they could maintain their sanity.

“Did you hear that it’s all over?”

“Yeah.”

“I tried so hard to believe that wouldn’t happen.”

“Do you want to castrate the judges?”

“While I am sure that every single one of them has testicles I’m not sure that I can fault their logic.”

“So Vocal Adrenaline were good?”

“They were soulless but they had mad chorography and production values.”

“Do you think we would have won if we had their money?”

“I think we would have won if we had my mother.”

“Are you going to defect?” It hurts Quinn to even think about that but with New Directions disbanded there isn’t a whole lot tying Rachel to McKinley.

“I don’t think so. My mother is retiring so I doubt that they will continue their dominance.”

“You spoke to her?”

“I tried to convince her to become the co-director of New Directions. That was when I thought there still was a New Directions.”

Quinn is surprised that Rachel would only offer co-director. Whilst Rachel can be as sentimental as the next person her desire to win borders on ruthless and they all know that Schue means well but doesn’t have the heart for victory. “She wasn’t willing to reconsider retirement then?”

“Apparently she is ready for domestic bliss and wants to start a family.”

“How does that make you feel?” Quinn realises that she isn’t the only one dealing with feelings of abandonment this evening.

“Splendid,” Rachel replies. “It would seem that meeting me has inspired her to have other children. Lucky me.”

She reaches out and strokes Rachel’s hair. “What a bitch.”

“At least she was honest. Although I think I could have lived without knowing any of that.”

“Will you stay in contact?”

“I don’t know. Whatever she’s looking for I’m not it. Maybe she just wants another child so that it can turn out better than I did.”

“Don’t be daft.” She kisses Rachel’s forehead.

“I’m not being daft. I’m being bitter.”

“Oh well that’s ok then.”

“You want to know the really said thing?’

“I’m not sure that I do.” She likes to think that she’s had enough sadness for one day.

“I don’t even know that I’m all that mad at her. I want to be mad. I want to want to punch her in the face. Instead I just feel sort of sorry for her.”

“I would have thought you would have punched in the face just for beating us.”

Rachel gives a dry snort. “I still might punch her for that. I just wish I wanted to punch her over the whole family thing.”

“Family’s a really strange thing. My mother showed up today.”

“She did?”

“Yeah and I wish I knew how I felt about that.”

“Oh my god I haven’t even asked you. How’s the baby?”

“She’s beautiful.”

“Of course she is,” Rachel smiles.

“I can’t believe I made a little person.”

“Are you….. are you going to keep her?”

“I’ve thought about it a lot but I can’t. I already love her so much but I can’t give her what she needs.”

“Do you think that’s how my mother felt?”

“I think it would hard not to.”

“I do feel that meeting me did make her realise she missed out on something.”

“How could it not?”

“I know I’m not the kind of daughter everyone would want.”

“If you are waiting for me to deny that it’s not going to happen.”

“I wasn’t looking for false reassurance. I’m not exactly what people picture for their little girl’s future. Shelby’s a lot like me though, I think she would have loved to have me for a daughter.”

“I’m sure she feels that way. She’s seen you sing.” For all of her diva antics there are times when Rachel’s performance is a direct portal to her soul.

“So I’ve been thinking.”

“Why do I get the sense that I’m not going to like this?”

“Maybe because I’m apprehensive. It’s a big thing to ask.”

“Do I even want to hear this?”

“If you don’t want to keep her I’d like you to consider giving your daughter to Shelby.”

“I don’t know Rachel. I think it might be easier if she went to a stranger.”

“I just want you to think about it. It would make us family in a way.”

Quinn’s not sure she wants to be Rachel’s family, at least not in that way. “I promise to think about it.”

“Good.”

“Can I ask you something now?”

“It would only be fair.”

“Have you already mentioned it to Shelby?”

“Of course not,” Rachel sounds sincere but Quinn notices that she doesn’t meet her eyes. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”

“I’m not sure I can handle anything else,” Quinn states honestly.

“I don’t know when the best time to tell you is but I think it’s better you know sooner rather than later.”

“Now I know I can’t handle this.”

“I kissed Finn.”

She was right, she definitely can’t handle this. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I think Finn and I might be back together.”

“Am I meant to say congratulations?” Quinn asks and is embarrassed to note that a tear has escaped her eye.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“You’ll forgive me if I’m not happy for you.”

“Quinn this is not about you. I still love you.”

“So why are you with Finn.”

“I’m a pragmatic girl. When the dust settles I think he’ll still be there for me.”

“And you think I won’t?”

“I don’t know Quinn. You have a chance to put your life back together. You may not want me when that happens.”

“How can you think that I am so fickle?”

“I don’t think that. I think that things are complicated and removing myself from the equation might make it easier.”

“Do you like him more?” she can’t believe that question came out of her because there is no answer that will make her happy.

“You know I don’t.”

“Then why are you with him?”

“Have you seen The Way We Were?”

“Most of us don’t go around watching the entire back catalogue of Barbara’s work.”

“Fine. Have you seen the Sex in the City episode where Big comes back with his new bride.”

“Now that I have seen.”

“Do you remember what he tells Carrie about her?”

“Something about her being simple and easier on his life.”

“Yes and that’s how I feel about Finn. It’s not better it’s just easier.”

“Well Finn certainly is simple but I thought you wanted more than that.”

“Maybe I will be one day.”

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

“I guess.”

“Other than fucking up the sex bit was I ok?”

“You were wonderful and no matter what happens I will never forget you.”

Quinn’s tears fall in earnest now. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

“I’m tired.”

“You should sleep.”

“Will your stay with me?”

“Ok.”

This isn’t the way she imagined sleeping with Rachel but it’s better than nothing. She can’t escape the feeling that she’s ruined everything and that if she had have made better choices things would be different. She probably couldn’t have made New Directions champions but she could have been strong enough to resist sleeping with someone in order to feel thin. She could have been comfortable enough with herself to make love to Rachel. She could have agreed to utilise her mother’s support in order to keep her baby. She doesn’t deserve any good things in her life and yet the last thing that Quinn Fabray sees before she goes to sleep is Rachel Berry’s eyes.


End file.
